four: another day done

I go back and forth as to whether or not I enjoyed the supposed celebration of the life that was given to me twenty-one years ago and which I now carry out each day. It may be that I am not far enough removed and can’t draw upon loftier perspectives but if that is the case it will be a long time before this country let's me remove myself. Celebrating my birthday in the Czech Republic has brought on various thoughts, most too disturbing for insightful reflection. After witnessing multiple people age, and therefore celebrate birthdays, over here it finally struck me like a rush to the back of the head that I was going to have to experience full fledged what I had been perfectly content watching from a distance the length of a 10 meter pole. Never poke at something too much no matter how long the pole is, at some point you will know more than you originally intended or wanted. I found myself, right about the time the rush to the back of the head came, standing in some circle with a group of girls (or women, or teenagers, they are all the same). It was a classic case of reliving a moment that was relived at various periods in my life so it doesn't really matter who the girls were. Once it may have been a cold case of one girl kindly egging on another to stop dieting because it was "ridiculous" but in reality she only hated the idea of her friend becoming skinnier than her. Another time it may have been one girl giving away her "delicious cookies" from her lunchbox because she wasn't hungry. It is like hitting two birds with one stone, getting slim and making others around you fat. Or discouraging exercise because you are too ashamed that you yourself are too lazy to do it and hate the idea of having someone else being healthier than you. It all sounds unimaginable and childish but even the old birds do it and I am not so ashamed to say that I have gone through that thought process many a times. It doesn't have to be about food and weight and it is not to say that it is only about woman (although food and weight and woman seem to complement each other in most comparisons). It is the same as pushing someone else to do something that you can secretly make fun of later.

So, on the one hand Czech birthdays are like manipulating a situation to feel better about yourself (and I should emphasize that it really does come from that ugly voice on the inside but comes out angelic, happy, and kindhearted) and other hand it is like that thing you really, really don't want to do when you are a kid but have virtually no way of getting out of. I am not talking about doing the dishes or having to do homework. I am talking about things that carry some amount of weight (for whatever reason) that you must abide by and suffer through. It is similar to having to get vaccinations; they must be done and there is no way you can squeeze through life with out them. Once the rush brought me back to reality I found myself fronting up an unreasonably long line of people, good friends and familiars alike, all waiting to do the same thing that they do to everyone. It starts with a never-ending handshake that is shaking the duration of a long speech coming from a smirk; sometimes fake, and often times behind starry, batting eyelashes. May all your hopes and dreams come true, may everything be better, blah blah blah, and then it is all topped off by an unavoidable kiss on the lips. There is no turning the cheek on this one; they will just go in for another. You smack faces with everyone in that line, which tends to form itself days before and after your birthday, and then you are handed a very nice gift; a bar of chocolate or a bottle of wine, and more often than not, both. In reality I can't imagine that people who have birthdays really do eat all that chocolate, I mean it would show... I was fortunate enough, due to my obsession and unending cravings for tuna, to receive many cans for the upcoming weeks. There was also a lone can of strawberries to complement the one bottle of sparkling white wine I got.

Although I would rather hide under a rock than endure such oddities for a second time I must admit that the previous weekend in Prague, which also served as a mock birthday party, was in no way superior. I spent the weekend in a cloudy state that caused me to walk flightily and empty-headed for days after. I may or may not have been in a bar fight to cause an unusual lump around my eye and I will never eat home made cookies on the backstage buffet table again. It was of course nice to get out all of that reckless energy but the effort that goes into living each moment there after is catastrophically measured.

I now find myself humbly bowing down towards my keyboard wishing that the depths of my bed could swallow me. I joke with myself often about taking a vacation from my vacation but my time here will come to a close soon enough so I am not going to rush it. I spent my birthday proper at Dáša's making cheesecake and drinking wine. It was nice to feel as though I was having a birthday with the closest thing I have to family here but in reality I don't think that I would have been severely dissapointed if I spent it in my room reading and listening to the rat tap its toes across my ceiling. I am in an industrious mood these days, thinking about efficiency and drafting new plans. While I slip into emotional boughts over missed walks and talks I mechanically push all of those loose wires back into place and breeze through the days. I am looking forward to the weekend and having my first opportunity to nourish my body on days spent behind closed curtains and blankets all a mess.