six: the consequence of fear not

At some point, or maybe continuously through out the remainder of my life, I need to process what I think about sacrifice. I wish there was another word because even the mentioning of it seems to be somewhat painful but I am sure that is the word that I am looking for to describe all of the mixed up thoughts that I hope to someday sort out. The more I come to know myself the more I have to come to terms with this known fact: I am capable of just about anything. Now, I know that many are raised to believe that the world is open to be explored and the options are limitless but not many choose to bring those very true facts into actualization. Maybe it is out of fear, I wouldn’t know because I am generally not one to be afraid of anything, but I find that many would rather settle or even have their life plotted out for them as though it were a map to be read and possibly color coded with pictures as a reference. I will admit that I too long for the answers and the directions to reveal themselves in my own life at times but this feeling is driven more from anxt and impatience rather than the desire to avoid confrontation with decision making and active living. While I don’t wish to criticize those who choose to take life as it is handed to them, no questions asked, I will openly express my own personal distaste for such a way of living. There is another characteristic that can be found in variants among people that I for one seem to have an excess of and that is a serious and genuine desire to love people and to be a part of others’ lives. I don’t want to just have friends and a social life I want to be a part of peoples lives in a much bigger way and feel like I can not only learn from others but also teach all that I have come to know. I have found that many choose to distance themselves, which is interesting because I think that many people do not truly know themselves and that it is hard to protect something if you do not know what it is that you are protecting (once again I will fall back on attributing this behavior to fear), and by distancing themselves they deplete from any real chance of having a positive impact on other people. I now reach a roadblock in my existence. On the one hand, I have found and proven to myself that I can do what I damn please, whatever it may be, and do it successfully. This makes me a con, a lover, a liar, a mistress, a friend, a conqueror, an artist, a traveler, etcetera, and so on. I can create myself as moments pass to anyone’s desire and especially to my own. Sexuality seems to be a good example and rarely turned down if properly executed. Of course we all face rejection at times but I am not afraid to say that I have seldom left without the object that I chose to give my affection. This brings me to the other hand: an unwavering love for the world and a thirst to change and love it unabashedly. These two methodologies of being that I have come to be kindred with can collide due to a conflict of interests. Again, sexuality seems to be basic and raw enough that it depicts what I am going through now and have gone through before. While loving people and having the ability to love them do not so much contradict each other their underlying facts do. In order to love some, and especially to make them feel loved and as though that love is unique, you must make them believe that they are unique and different. While it does not matter to me how many I have loved previously, and in fact I must attribute my ability to love each person now due to all of the experiences that have built up to them, I know that for some, feeling as though they are one makes a difference. This brings on a process of fabrications and melting many experiences into less.

One describes a slut as someone who sleeps around and spreads her legs with little reserve. While I know that I have submitted to the pearls between my own thighs to more than the one I will marry (which at this point carries little weight in my life) I give the love I feel much more credit and as I have aged I have blocked out the times that I did not respect myself or others enough to keep my legs closed for the sake of real love. While I have come to know the shape of many backs by the palms of my hands and the touch of my fingertip, I would never deny someone the thought that my touch affects them and no one else. While I have learned how to travel the lines of a body that does not mean that every body is just another. This may be a product of my ability to disillusion even myself. I can easily convince myself that everyone I love and come to know is the one and when they turn out to be the wrong one I work to let it go in my own way.

It comes down to sacrifice. Do I bring all those to the alter and slaughter them dishonestly, sacrificing them at their own blinded will? Do I sacrifice the red ribbon that I bind them with and blind them with? Or do I become a person that I do not know and sacrifice a way of determination that comes naturally and easily to me? It is not about the sensuality here. I feel like it is important to clarify. Intimate moments can be shared from a distance immeasurable and you can impact people and be impacted far beyond intimacy. An old soul bound to my own told me what to do a few days ago. "You are very powerful," they said "be caring and compassionate." Our ties will never be severed but I am not going to hesitate to admit I do not like being told what to do and have specifically declared to the world that I would not be, but it is an order that I am desperately going to scramble towards following.